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On Falling Apart

I joke sometimes that I am constantly falling apart.

It’s nothing big or life-threatening, and I’m definitely grateful for that, but I feel like I just keep accumulating health issues- some more debilitating than others- and it’s because I’m for some reason “weak” or prone to them.

Just some examples of my maladies include cystic back acne (which I tempered with oral contraceptives, which then caused random bouts of vomiting for a while), hypothyroidism, mood disorders, poor circulation in my hands and feet, something red and itchy on my face for the past five months, etc.

In mirror with oatmeal face mask on
A homemade oatmeal face mask in a moment of desperation to try to make my itchy red face spot go away. I may or may not have eaten the leftovers.

I joke about it but over the past two years, I think being “weak” has become ingrained into my self-identity.

Just this past week, I finally went to the orthopedist to find out what was going on with my throbbing tailbone, which has been a painful, frustrating mess for about four months now despite my best efforts to assuage the pain with a special butt pillow and NSAIDS.

The orthopedist said I have an idiopathic condition called coccydynia. A condition usually suffered by women after childbirth (? not me?)

There is little relief to be had by a diagnosis of an idiopathic condition because that usually means treatment is more difficult/uncertain. Well true to form, the best preventive approach to keep my tailbone from making my life miserable is a *special* type of physical therapy. Like in my butt.

She said this type of physical therapy is so painful, she felt it necessary to prescribe me a mild narcotic to use after the sessions.

Great.

My pillow for my coccyx/tailbone
My butt pillow. It’s been marginally helpful in relieving some of my tailbone pain.

I was also supposed to start physical therapy (a less scary type) for my crazy wonky right knee that decided to stop working last August literally days before my planned departure for Peru. Patellofemoral pain syndrome isn’t exactly idiopathic, but it doesn’t make sense for me either. It’s when the patella, or kneecap, isn’t tracking correctly while walking and is most common in women who run a lot. Again, that just isn’t me – at the time I probably ran no more than 3 miles a week and I’ve taken that down to 0 miles a week – but whatever.

Clearly falling apart for no reason is my thing.

But so…I decided after the coccydynia diagnosis last week that I don’t want it to be my thing anymore. I may or may not be writing this while under the influence of [very effective, thankfully] steroids which sometimes make me feel super powerful and excited about everything, but I’ve definitely turned a corner on this whole Humpty Dumpty identity thing.

Knee brace for patellofemoral syndrome
Putting on my knee brace for the first time

It all comes down to this new book I’m reading called The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking (brilliant book, highly recommend):

Stoicism: nothing is inherently good or bad (aka weak); it only is because of my judgment that it is so. It’s a fact that all of the above-mentioned things have, at times, caused me distress or frustration, but I don’t have to feel a certain way about that and I DEFINITELY don’t have to label myself as a certain type of person because of it.

That being said, I recently decided to take up weight lifting every now and then at the gym (yes, this decision was also made while I was on steroids) to build strength because it feels good and I want to. I’ve learned from this book that Stoicism is not about forcing yourself to endure something awful without reacting; what it is, is having “the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

Wearing my Nano Puff while hiking in the cloud forest during the Salkantay Trek in Peru
Hiking the Salkantay trek in Peru with my knee brace on. My knee survived but it was nice to have some support for it.

Maybe lifting weights – and I’m talking like 5 lb weights just FYI – is about a strength identity metaphor, but it’s also about pure physicality for me. I feel like if I at least build some strength, my muscles and ligaments will stop freaking out about everything/nothing? At worst, I’ll get some muscle tone.

With the coccydynia, it causes me chronic pain and affects my ability to live my life normally (sitting, driving, laying down), so I need to stay vigilant about scheduling physical therapy even if it’s kinda terrifying that they’re going to do stuff in my butt.

How have you overcome a time in your life when you’ve felt weak?

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13 comments

  1. Evanne says:

    Good for you for taking control of how you feel about the situation! I hope lifting weights helps! You’re right about getting stronger – sometimes the best thing you can do is strengthen your muscles so your joints have more support! Endorphins from exercise are great, too 🙂

  2. Lauren says:

    This is great. I have Crohn’s Disease and feel weak all the time. I feel like there’s always a new thing being diagnosed in me because of my Crohn’s. I have taken advantage of being in remission right now and I do a babywearing barre workout with my daughter twice a week. We love it!

    • mishvo says:

      Hi Lauren, thanks for sharing. I imagine a chronic disease like that can really wear you down emotionally. But that’s awesome you are really taking advantage of being in remission and I’ve heard barre is a great workout!

  3. Sarah says:

    This line really spoke to me: “____ is not about forcing yourself to endure something awful without reacting; what it is, is having “the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

    At the beginning I would place the word “Fibromyalgia” for myself. It is a chronic condition, mainly causing widespread muscle and joint aches and tightness. It’s pretty awful and a lot of people suffer tremendously, loosing their entire lives to the condition. There’s no “cure” as such, but it’s also very, very common.

    I’ve found that yoga and a generally happy outlook on life and the joys of simple things– a delicious meal, the way the sun shines through my window, etc, have helped me so much. Stress and continually feeling unfulfilled is the thing, as it is with most conditions.

    Well done you for taking control of your outlook on things you can’t change. “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” and all that 😉

    • mishvo says:

      Hi Sarah! Thank you for your thoughtful response. Something I’ve learned since posting this post is that a lot of people suffer chronic or invisible illnesses and struggle with not identifying themselves as weak as well. A lot of people I’m surrounded by in my every day life (like my boyfriend) are hardy and healthy so it’s easy to forget that I’m not alone. I used to do more yoga in the past and I really want to get back to it – it especially helped me keep my anxiety in check.

  4. Sheri says:

    I am glad that you are being strong and taking action to help yourself through this situation. You have a lot on your plate but you can still maintain a positive attitude towards it all and although you have been weak, you are showing so much strength. I wish you all the best.

  5. Liana says:

    This is so damn true. Taking control of how you’re thinking about your life is a matter of importance. It has impact on your daily life. I totally get through it and I found that working out was a huge part of my new attitude and it helped a lot! Keep on! x

    http://tomboychronicle.com

  6. Kaja says:

    That’s so good for you that you have taken some mover to increase your health. Thinking of our lifes and taking controling them is so important. It is so good to take care of our bodies but also the mind health.

  7. Kusum says:

    So sorry to hear about your physical health but do not beat yourself up, not being able to keep up with everything that is happening in life is totally fine. As long as you are able to get back on track and you are already doing so awesome with your weight lifting goals, I am sure you are going to do great and it is also going help you recover sooner.
    xx, Kusum | http://www.sveeteskapes.com

  8. Ann Lin says:

    Loved reading your story, it’s certainly inspiring! I really liked this quote in particular – “the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” Life can be rough sometimes, but it is possible to push through and things like exercise and for me, travel, yoga, just being in the sun, and surfing really help!

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